Wednesday, April 23, 2014

One Year

My dog is dead.

My cat is (most likely) dead.

And I just want to go home.

Problem is...I don't have a home.

Sounds like a bad country song, doesn't it?  Yeah, that's what I thought.

But it seems to be life. 

I feel myself slipping back into "it"...put on the good face, Ang.  Pretend it's all ok, Ang.  If you make everyone believe all is good, then it is good.  Right?

And so here I am.  Contemplating.  Drinking.  I've been here before.  More than once. 

The house isn't selling.

I can't find a job.

All signs?  All His way of saying, ANGIE!!!  STOP!

And yet I attempt to forge ahead.

One year ago.

One year ago, I was finally healthy.  I was finally close to healed.  I was finally OK with me being me.

And then life was the most incredibly beautiful way.  And I love him for it.  Every single day, so deeply and so thoroughly...I do love him for it.

But then my heart felt something familiar.  Like every other time. 

I look at the path I'm headed down.  And it's starting to look familiar. 

Sure, I'll quit my job.

Sure, I'll move to another state.

Sure, I'll only drive your way, only drive your way, only drive your wayyyyyyyyyyyy...

Wait.  STOP!  I've been here before.

I've been here before


And that time, I said no.

I said no to selfish.

I said no to one-sidedness.

I said no to me being last.

I said NO!

And I will say it again.

Because even though I've let myself be lost from the forefront a little bit lately, I know who I am.  And I know what I deserve.  And I know what I want.  And I will say no.

Please don't test me.  Please.